We are nothing if not the people we perceive ourselves to be.

We do our best to try and show people the best sides of ourselves. The tamer sides. The kinder sides.

We want to think that a person we love or care for could never hurt us.

We want to think that.

I’ve known Johnny since I was about 22, and I’ll be 29 in November. For seven years I like to think that I was one of his closest friends, and indeed like a sister to him, just as he was like a brother to me. What started out as something unorthodox and dare I say even scandalous at times evolved over a period of time in his career; a career that he was very proud of. He made music, he loved to voice act, he wrote a movie that his all time favorite director said he liked. He’s helped me through grief, loneliness, doubt, abuse, heartache, and so much trauma. He’s also shown faith in me in my own music and art skill even though I know full well I could use some work at it. 

A few nice pictures here and there and a couple good songs is not the fullest extent of someone’s capabilities and value as a person. What matters only is what we perceive of ourselves and the world around us.

Things that are will always be.

Things that were will always impact us.

Newton’s Third Law: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

This does and always has and always will be applied to both physics and personal interaction.

Johnny has always been known for his kindness, his faith in the betterment of mankind, his love of music and art and games.

Johnny was also very stupid and impulsive.

Johnny was abused when he was growing up. His adopted parents were quite the unhappy pair from my understanding. His mother hated men and his father was an asshole to the highest degree. I remember vividly a horrifying video Johnny had posted in his young years of his dad screaming obscene things in his ear because he was a certain age and couldn’t write his name in cursive. He looks back on it now and thinks it’s funny. To his credit, some of the insults his dad spews are rather hysterical.

He liked being the center of attention and often got his friends to help him do silly skits for youtube.

He has a breakdown every year because he worries about his image.

He is very self conscious but also very confident in himself.

I met him when I was living with my family. It was not pleasant at the time. In order to escape the issues I was facing in my own home, I became addicted to the internet. Above all, because I was lonely and desperate to feel loved and appreciated, I was addicted to online sex. I have been using the internet since I was 12.

I chose to be a victim to men online. Because I was lonely and unsure.

Many may say that it was the fault of the men. They should have known better.

A lot of these men turned me away. Because I too was immature and impulsive. And of course the obvious.

And I will add that I was extra pushy.

When I met Johnny, it was on a binder. Things were rocky from the start. He is the type of person who likes to lovebomb and uplift because he doesn’t like to see people he appreciates unhappy. He embarrasses easily, and it’s a simple thing to make him excited about something, sexual or non.

In truth, Johnny never learned how to grow up. One could blame Aspergers, but many would call it an excuse. They may or may not know what Aspergers is like. I’ve known it since my little brother was born and then even more so. Aspergers has a way of making some people feel a lot younger than they really are, and thus they behave much younger. And thus they like to interact with people much younger.

Johnny, as I said, is very stupid and impulsive. Like a child with the body of a man. Still, he knows better and must be held accountable for his actions. As do we all.

I cared for him like a brother, despite how we met. I was many times his voice of reason. It was infuriating. He doesn’t like to listen. He is hard headed and likes to think that he is making others happy when he could be making a very bad mistake. He does not read people well. The only way he knows you’re angry with him is when you verbally attack him or even shout. Sometimes even that doesn’t stop him.

He can be toxic. As can we all.

He cares very much for his public image. Because it is the only success he’s ever really had that he feels only he can do. He feels worth something with it. He has a mental breakdown every time it’s threatened. He feels he is and has nothing without it. That he is nobody. He has always wanted to be somebody. To matter.

He’s always had a dream of wanting to make the world a better place in a way only he could do, in spite of the ungodly amount of times I’ve advised him to do things anyone could do. Simply put, the man wanted to be Superman. He wanted to save the world. He wanted to save people from hard times. He thought his music and his voice acting could do that.

Up until about a year or so ago, he was almost entirely incapable of taking care of himself. He lived in an old house his parents rented for him, then moved back into his mother’s house, then moved into his condo that if I remember right his family helped him pay for. It wasn’t until I broke down and told him my worries for him that he finally thought he could start turning his life around. After years of him following his own patterns of self-destruction, perhaps finally he could finally work on bettering himself.

Johnny has always been vulnerable, gullible, naive, melodramatic, conceited at times, irrational most definitely, and an outrageous pain in the ass. He’s done a lot that would make one vomit. Things that I’ve had to be there to chastise him for. I’ve done a lot of that with him. A lot of it he has tried to move on from. Tried to become better.

But he is stupid and impulsive.

And more than anything, he’s lonely and desperate.

He has never felt like he was someone worth loving. How could he be? He was codependent, immature, and didn’t really have the healthiest of relationships growing up. He was beaten down relentlessly for having no skills, no life, afraid of everyone, never knowing who he truly was. He didn’t really have money for the longest time. He torments himself because he thinks he will never amount to anything because that is all he has ever known. And so he has tried to hold onto the one thing that matters most to him: his online persona and career.

And he has a life outside of that career.

We are nothing if not the people we perceive ourselves to be, for some of us have only ourselves. For the world around us is merciless and unkind.

We tend to believe that a person can only be black or white. We have forgotten that the gray and even other colors still exist within people. We forget that people are a spectrum. We are a spectrum. We all have darkness, just as we all have light. We all experience pain, disappointment, anger, joy, pleasure, discomfort.

We live in the shadows of the sort of people we want to be.

John Guy has done some terrible things. He has to live with them every day of his life. He is afraid of accountability, and he is afraid of losing what he holds dear. He never had much.

When I woke up this morning, I learned of what has now come to be known about him. I knew nothing about any of it. I only knew of how he is when it comes to scandalous behavior, which is why in a way I am not surprised. After all, we met each other as sex addicts. 

I do not condone what he has done. I never will. It is disturbing and inappropriate. He knows there is no coming back from this. He doesn’t know or understand that he has no one to blame for this but himself.

My hope is at some point Johnny will be able to find peace in his mind and face what has been brought to light. Maybe he can recover if he has learned anything from this heinous crime. Maybe not. I have faith that he might. What he has done is inexcusable. He knew better. Now he must learn from this mistake and learn to find his way again. What’s done is done.

Johnny must face the truth. And he must learn to live with it. You done fucked up, bro. Now get to work on yourself and learn to do and be better. Take care of yourself. I’ll be here when you’ve grown up. Just don’t do anything stupid while you’re gone. And keep getting help. Learn you can make healthy relationships. Don’t rush things. And own up to your mistakes and your flaws.

(Note: This post is not meant to bully or harass anyone. It is simply a story, an experience, and a message.)